Dear lady at the gym with the huge boobies

Hi, I am the mom on the elliptical machine next to you. I just wanted to give you a few words of wonderful advise in regards to working out in a public place, especially in a small town. Just to help you out because I am super nice like that.

First of all, your body rocks the house. It really does, and you should be very proud of the work and money and you have clearly put into it. But you triple D boobies don't really fit well into that white sports bra you were wearing today. White is also a look that you might want to avoid, especially since your nipples are as black as coal. When you sweat, your white sports bra gets a little more see through as your work out progresses. This is a tip you should really pay attention to. Very distracting.

If you were wondering why all of the little old men kept staring at you, this might be reason number one.

Second, the noises you make while working out on the elliptical are odd and pretty disturbing. I had my ipod on and could still hear the weird grunting/moaning that was going on as you worked your little ass out on level 20 and incline 10. Great job by the way! These noises should be left in the bedroom, if you are into that sort of thing.

If you were wondering why all of the little old men kept staring at you, this might be reason number two.

Third, I am not sure those volleyball type panties you had on as your "work out shorts" are wise. Your ass, thighs, and abs do look pretty incredible in them. Yea you! However, they are a tad bit revealing.

You must wax yourself bald in order to bust out those suckers at the gym! And waxing yourself bald is a right every woman or man has, and in this situation, I am very glad you chose this route. If I would of had on those puppies, people would of thought I had Gary Coleman stuffed down my shorts.

Just so you know, Nike has a huge selection of work out shorts that are very comfy and more appropriate in a family environment. Look into them. For the love of the tiny 8lb 7oz baby Jesus. Look into them.

If you were wondering why all the little old men were staring at you, this might be reason number three.

Fourthly, if there are 8 elliptical machines available, please don't pick the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Not that I am insecure or anything but I feel I need to explain. I don't do my hair and makeup in order to work out. Nor do I put on all of my diamonds (or in my case diamond and czs) on for my daily work out.

I prefer your basic Target sports bra and a tank that has been down graded from "cute wear" to workout wear. These are tanks and tees that are usually bleached somewhere or a child has wiped breakfast hands on or in worse case scenarios snot.

And for the record, this morning I couldn't find matching socks. That was the reason for my one Texas Tech sock and my one Lacoste hot pink one. Not that I care what you think. I'm just saying.

But whatever. Just don't work out next to me again, with your circus titties flopping around and your hiney cheeks hanging out. And all of your makeup and big hairdo. Just don't. Maybe I have personal space issues. You never know.

And that is the reason that I kept staring at you!

Sincerely,
Coco