Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dear Robert,

Hi, it's me Coco. Look at you laughing, you silly boy. What is so funny little cutie!? Oops, so sorry, I got a little distracted, you bad boy you.

Ok, I'm kind of nervous but here I go.

Robert, I thought I should write to you because you haven't been returning my phone calls or texts and there is a lot we need to talk about.

First I must say, I love you. I love you more than my husband and maybe more than my children. No lie. I think about you more than a 34 year old mother of two should. It isn't normal and it isn't right. But as the song sings, "If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right." And straight up, Rob, this is how I feel.

I want to be wrong. Oh ,so wrong and bad. So, so, so, so wrong.

People say it is Edward that I love, not you. This may of been the case at first, but now, it is ALL YOU. Your smile, your accent, your laugh. The way you dress, the way you wear your hair. Even the way you puff away on that cigarette. Yummy. I have seen more interviews of you (thank you Youtube!) than I can count and you are just a doll. Just a dream. Just a mesmerizing young man. It makes me choke up. AND makes me feel tingly in my bathing suit region.

Some say you look dirty? This isn't true, so don't listen. If they want to talk about dirty, take a look at Johnny Depp! Now that is gross and dirty. Not you Roberto, your are as clean as a whistle.

So, so, so clean.

Now, let's talk business. Robby, I have a proposition for you.

I want to have your baby. It will be fun, easy and really no trouble for you at all. You don't really even have to do much. I will raise it and you can come visit whenever you want. Or don't visit if you are too busy, like if you're on set filming a supercool movie or singing with your band or just in L.A and can't make it to Texas. I'm flexible (in more ways than one),it doesn't matter to me how often you come visit the baby, I totally understand.

I'm thoughtful like that.

Trust me, Robert, you WANT kids when you are super young. It's just easier that way. I promise. I am totally not just saying that. In fact, it is the law.

It would be perfect. I am great at having babies, I just hope you don't mind if I have a glass of wine or two during pregnancy. I have babies VERY easily. They just fly right out of me, and I get back to prebaby weight in just weeks!! I may be a little saggy after baby #3 but nothing a little plastic surgery can't fix. Right, Robby?

Don't you think this is a great plan? Kristen's skinny little body in no way would be able to carry your strapping unborn child. Not at all. This is the best way. A win-win for everyone. Just think about it. I am sure you will eventually see that this is a plan that will benefit not only the two of us....but the world! It would be philanthropic, if you will.

Moving on.

I have a tshirt with your face on it. You have fangs on this thsirt. Sometimes I slip that tshirt over a pillow and pretend you are laying next to me. Of course I don't do this at night when Hubby is home, he would think that is strange. I do this when the kids are at mother's day out.

On rainy, yucky days, there is nothing better than laying in bed and watching "Twilight" with you laying next to me. It is a dream come true. Mmmmmmmm.......hmmmmm..............

So, Rob, if you ever are in Texas, don't hesitate to come by for a cuddle. That would really be nice of you, it would make me feel special. And remember there is only one way to make a baby, Robert! So dropping by and "saying hi" is a must. Haha!

I am sure it will be very relaxing for you as well, Texas Hill country is just beautiful. You will really enjoy it. As it must get weird and kind of scary to have all of those crazy, nutso fans pawing all over you, a break from time to time is a must. And this is the place! You can just kick back and watch television, while I cook you some chicken spaghetti or some stuffed jalapenos. A nice glass of cab. Some heavy petting on the couch after Hubby and the kids are in bed.

There are some WEIRDOS out there, Robby. So you need to be careful and watch yourself. I worry, Roberto, I really do.

Well, I will wrap it up, but please write back or return my calls or texts. That would really make me feel more comfortable and secure in our relationship. This hearing nothing from you kind of makes me feel insecure, alone, and a bit isolated. So just a quick phone call letting me know everything is OK would be nice.

So start thinking of some English/Texas baby names. I already have a list started that I will read off to you when you call.

All the love in the world,

Coco Pattinson


starnes family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
starnes family said...

There are no words.

Carrie Darney said...

I am DYING! Bathing suit region, Flixible in more ways than one. This is HYSTERICAL! LOVE this side of you Coco...This is a great start to my day!!

Sara and Trey said...

Girl....You are craaaaazy!!!

MamaSue said...

I am truly speechless! Speechless! This is funny...I'm looking at my word verification below and the word is psycho! Too funny!

Donatelli98 said...

You amaze me with your skills!

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Coco...I have been sick and every bone in my body hurts but I am laughing SO hard that I do not EVEN care. I agree...there are no words. You, my friend, are a hoot and a half. If sweet sweet Robert doesn't choose you then he is an idiot.

The Jones Family said...

Seriously, laughing my ass off and I'm truly speechless.

juliarhock said...

A masterpiece.

Sassafrass Jane said...

Alright. I take back what I said about him being greasy. I guess I underestimated your depth of love-er obsession for RPatz.
Belle is right. He's an idiot if he doesn't respond to this. Chicken spaghetti, cab, and heavy petting? Come on.

If the shoe FITZ said...

I think i just popped a stitch!

Carrie Darney said...

You know, my obcession is Josh Hartnett in Pearl Harbor...the parachute room...are you that part...

Vintage Junky said...

Okay I have to tell you, when I saw his pretty face pop up in my reader I thought "thank you God, she is my best friend!" Especially THAT photo! If you get hime to return your calls and texts, please tell him to come to TN (best friends share you know) thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this!


The Rand's said...

I needed to laugh! Thank you!

The Lenzers said...

does he make you cream in your panties or what???

Kristin said...

Am I gonna get hit if I say I haven't seen Twilight and don't get the appeal? that an angry mob of chicks outside my door? Although I do get the grungy appeal. Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy is killing me!!

Something In The Glass said...

Funniest thing ever. You crack me up!!!

morewineplease said...

Ok, first of ALL, I am seriously contemplating making hubby read this, so he understands that I am not the only obsessed person.
Second... OKLAHOMA is in route to Texas... and its been raining here for days, so I insist that he stop here for first... and he may stay for a while.

Oh COCO... I love this post more than you know... I was reading it while in the car yesteday and almost cried for all the laughing.

Live.Love.Eat said...

CONFESSION: I was not laughing during this post like so many others. I was actually making an ICK face.

I am not a fan of his. At all. But I am still a fan of yours :)

P.S. Your husband is hotter than Edward.