Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Dear lady at the gym with the huge boobies

Hi, I am the mom on the elliptical machine next to you. I just wanted to give you a few words of wonderful advise in regards to working out in a public place, especially in a small town. Just to help you out because I am super nice like that.

First of all, your body rocks the house. It really does, and you should be very proud of the work and money and you have clearly put into it. But you triple D boobies don't really fit well into that white sports bra you were wearing today. White is also a look that you might want to avoid, especially since your nipples are as black as coal. When you sweat, your white sports bra gets a little more see through as your work out progresses. This is a tip you should really pay attention to. Very distracting.

If you were wondering why all of the little old men kept staring at you, this might be reason number one.

Second, the noises you make while working out on the elliptical are odd and pretty disturbing. I had my ipod on and could still hear the weird grunting/moaning that was going on as you worked your little ass out on level 20 and incline 10. Great job by the way! These noises should be left in the bedroom, if you are into that sort of thing.

If you were wondering why all of the little old men kept staring at you, this might be reason number two.

Third, I am not sure those volleyball type panties you had on as your "work out shorts" are wise. Your ass, thighs, and abs do look pretty incredible in them. Yea you! However, they are a tad bit revealing.

You must wax yourself bald in order to bust out those suckers at the gym! And waxing yourself bald is a right every woman or man has, and in this situation, I am very glad you chose this route. If I would of had on those puppies, people would of thought I had Gary Coleman stuffed down my shorts.

Just so you know, Nike has a huge selection of work out shorts that are very comfy and more appropriate in a family environment. Look into them. For the love of the tiny 8lb 7oz baby Jesus. Look into them.

If you were wondering why all the little old men were staring at you, this might be reason number three.

Fourthly, if there are 8 elliptical machines available, please don't pick the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

Not that I am insecure or anything but I feel I need to explain. I don't do my hair and makeup in order to work out. Nor do I put on all of my diamonds (or in my case diamond and czs) on for my daily work out.

I prefer your basic Target sports bra and a tank that has been down graded from "cute wear" to workout wear. These are tanks and tees that are usually bleached somewhere or a child has wiped breakfast hands on or in worse case scenarios snot.

And for the record, this morning I couldn't find matching socks. That was the reason for my one Texas Tech sock and my one Lacoste hot pink one. Not that I care what you think. I'm just saying.

But whatever. Just don't work out next to me again, with your circus titties flopping around and your hiney cheeks hanging out. And all of your makeup and big hairdo. Just don't. Maybe I have personal space issues. You never know.

And that is the reason that I kept staring at you!



Angie said...

That might be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for laugh... I needed it today.

Angry Julie Monday said...

OMFG...you are hilarious....

We should start some kind of gym etiquette group post.

We have people like that at my gym too.

KDLOST said...

BWAHAHAAHAH! i almost peed my pants.

srrsly, haven't we all seen THAT GIRL.

public service announcement to concur with this post:
please. don't be THAT GIRL. and if you are, i agree with coco... don't stand next to me EITH-A!

Old Friends and New Shoes said...

Holy mother of pearl you are freakin' hysterical!! "black as coal" I love it!

Soxy Deb said...

"All wrapped in swaddling" - sorry the 8 lb 7 oz baby jesus took me to a place I didn't need to go...

The one time I go to your gym you have to call me out. Thanks Court!

Little O' Me said...

OMG OMG OMG!!! Now THAT was hilarious!!!

I was laughing so much, that the hubs kept staring at me!!!

I loved it! LOVED it!!!!

starnes family said...

Lord, Courtney. Not even sure what to write. Still recovering from the Gary Coleman comment.

Live.Love.Eat said...

Hah, the Gary Coleman was nice. Very nice!!!!! This is why I am so glad to have a treadmill and elliptical at home, although I haven't used them in awhile.

Ashley Griffin said...

just found you through OSB and this cracked me up!! just keep your eyes shut while you work out!

imgonnarunbabyrun said...

I worked with Gary Coleman... funny stuff!

That was an awesome story! Be thankful she has a nice body! I get stuck behind the short shorts with the cottage cheese hanging out!

Sorry you are stuck at 130! It's so frustrating! It took me over 2 months to break out of it!

Good luck this week!


Michelle said...

You are soooo freaking funny! My friend Amber called me about how funny your gym post was so I had to come get on and read it. HILARIOUS!

Lulu the Midwife said...

That is way to funny. I wish I had described the "pink playboy" that I saw come out of the Mexican Rest. the other day that way. Maybe you are working out with her sister.

kb said...

I saw a lady the other day at a store come out of the dressing room with a shirt on and "volleyball panties" i was like...omg did she forget her pants!

newlywedstilettos said...

I was just referred to your blog and specifically THIS posting...and I am so glad I came over!! OMG how funny!! You had me cracking up at my desk! :)

Lisa said...

Just clicking through from OSB and I think you're one of my new faves!

Funny stuff, lady, funny stuff!

whereismymind said...

Wow. She sounds hot. Toooo freaking funny! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it... I'm sick a as a dog. Although, it did make me snort chicken broth out of my nose. Hot chickent broth. Which actually hurt like hell. But, so worth the laugh.

babydollsandbeerbottles said...

oh.my.god... this is the funniest shit I've read in a while! Good job Coco... LOL!

oh, and sorry... I won't work out next to you again.

jk ;)