Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dear Bravo Television,

After seeing how TLC has been totally and disgustingly exploiting Jon and Kate and their eight, I thought I should write you a letter. A letter of praise.

A thank you letter if you will.

I have boycotted TLC, (actually I boycotted about a year ago, but the whole Jon and Kate thing really has me to the point I won't even stop while channel surfing to watch some mom wailing like a sick cow while giving birth in an inflatable bath tub in her bedroom while her mom, dad and 4 year old look on.) I am done with them. I will never lay eyes on that television station again, not even those whacky Duggars.

And that is fine, because all I have ever wanted in my television pleasure, is with you. You have a classy side to you that no other channel can touch. I know that if I need some television time, you will be there for me. Making me laugh, making me cry and making me cringe.

The lessons I have learned from you are unparalleled to any silly old college education I may have. The $$ spent at Texas Tech was really a waste, all I should of done was watch a few "Top Chef" marathons. That is all the education I need right there.

I have listed just a few examples of the cornacopia of knowlege, that you, and only you have instilled in my soul:

You taught me how obnoxious people truly are that think they are super cute but are not, are (did that make sense?). I am all for self confidence but having one of your goals in life to be called a MILF is just sad. Especially, when nobody but you and your husband think you are one.

You taught me that life is really just one long quick fire challenge. You use what you are given to make something tasty and wonderful. All the while impressing the judges.

You taught me that I really want a super gay neighbor. Badly. But I haven't seen an openly gay person in my town so I might need to outsource. My mom has a gay, maybe I can borrow hers from time to time.

You have taught me that being totally frivolous, superficial and flippant may actually be something I want to strive for. If and only if I can have the life of Rachel Zoe. It's the truth, Bravo Television, this may be a lesson that I will thank you for later.

I have been taught, by you, Bravo television, that an awesome sense of humor makes you just plain adorable. No matter how bad your hair is.

I may be premature on this one, "NYC Prep" starts tonight. But I have a tiny suspicion that this show will teach me, inbreeding happens in the wealthy circles as well.

Again, I want a gay. AND again, this taught me laughter is the best medicine. LOVE ME SOME FLIPPING OUT!

The lesson of not lying about your age. This is a wonderful lesson for the future, as I still look pretty awesome at 34. But I will always remember the mantra I said to myself while watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta."

"Don't get caught on national television saying your 29 when you are clearly 49, Don't get caught on national television saying your 29 when you are clearly 49, Don't get caught on national television saying your 29 when you are clearly 49." Great lesson to have tucked away for a rainy day.

A lesson I already knew but thought I might of outgrown.....I truly love big hair and tons of makeup. I want to look like Dina. Hair like Dina. Makeup like Dina. I want to dress like Dina. Jersey and Texas have a lot in common, actually. We love big and have accents. Though the Texas accent is way cuter.

And my last lesson is, you CAN be too skinny. And too stupid.

So, bravo to you, Bravo Television. I look forward to many, many more wasted hours watching chefs make pig brains into a culinary masterpieces. I look forward to more "Real Housewives" of whatever. Jeff Lewis? More please.




Deelsu said...

OMG! thanks for making me laugh on this Tuesday! too f-ing funny!
I agree with all of this.. just wondering if Rachel Zoe will come back for a 2nd season.
Talking about too darn skinny! she was a skeleton!
BTW - tonight is the reunion for the RHW of NJ!

starnes family said...

I would watch the Real Housewives of Tulupo, Mississippi. Is it on yet? The crappier the show, the more likely I am to watch it.

Angry Julie Monday said...

LOL..I totally have a love/hate relationship with that NYC Prep.

I'm watching Jon and Kate right now...

Something In The Glass said...

Bravo is the best. I'm with you...no thanks on the gals squeezing out their offspring for all the world to see. Sadly, I no longer have Bravo and can no longer watch Rachel Zoe. I HEART her, I want to BE her. I Die.

Thankfully, Project Runway will be coming to Lifetime and I can watch it again!! I love Tim "Make It Work" Gunn.

(I'm so pathetic.)

Angie said...

I LOVE Bravo! I am with ya on the Jon and Kate and 6 too many. I'm not sure what all the feeling sorry for her is about??? But I don't watch the show so what do I know (or care)? I adore Dina and her sister, Caroline. NJ might be my favorite group of HW's.

msprimadonna67 said...

"Life is really just one big long quick fire challenge..." That's awesome!

Live.Love.Eat said...

OMG, I watched the Housewives reunion last night and I can't stand Dina. What a stupid beee-atch!!!!!!!!!!!! She just doesn't get i, that no matter mad she was over that book, it was such the wrong place to bring it up at Teresa's dinner. If I was Teresa, I would have not only flipped the table but I would have stuffed those oysters up her arse. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry said...

I know I am way behind on this post, but it made me laugh so hard that I had to come back and leave a comment. Thanks for the laugh. Kathy does have really bad hair and these women make me feel better because they are a wreck.